Analyzing our parenting can create a mix of painful and celebratory emotions. A favorite quote that helps put parenting into perspective is Maya Angelou’s “when you know better, do better.”
No parent is perfect; what matters most is learning from our mistakes and never giving up. We want to share some knowledge about communication that we have learned in our university studies that will help you navigate the teen years with your children.
In this program, you will learn about parenting styles and their effect on communication outcomes. You will learn essential communication skills that will help fortify your relationship with your teen(s).
These skills include active listening, emotion coaching, setting limits, and using humor as a tool. Each lesson consists of three objectives, action items, a review summary, and additional resources you may find helpful. We hope you enjoy participating in this program and that it strengthens your family.
Happy Parenting,
Samantha Demars & Colleen Averett
p.s. 'Parent' is a general term to describe any adult with a primary role in raising a child.
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In this lesson, you will:
Learn about parenting styles and their effect on communication outcomes.
Learn about active vs. passive listening.
Use active listening skills.
Lesson Introduction
Do you ever find it challenging to know how to talk to your child? Watch the following video and see if you can relate.
Duolingo for Talking to Children - SNLThe bad news is that Duolingo for Teens doesn’t exist! The good news is that there are communication skills to learn that will help us feel the connection we want with our teens; improvement is guaranteed!
Objective One: Parenting Styles and Their Effect on Communication Outcomes
Parents are an essential part of their teens’ lives. While parenting an adolescent, parents are learning how to manage the teen’s desire for increased independence and helping them stay safe and make wise choices. Parents play a large role in helping teens improve their self-regulation and self-confidence.
Research has found that parents who take a more authoritative approach cultivate “open communication, establish… a balance between support and boundaries, and elevate… values and character above merely achieving goals” (Hussain et al., 2023, p. 1030).
Through authoritative parenting, parents can have more hope that their strong connection with their teens will allow them to continue to be an influence for good in their lives.
A Teen’s Perspective
Ever wonder what your teen thinks about how you parent? In the following video, 13-year-old Lucy Androski gives her opinion on parenting from “stereotypes and experience”.
Things to Look For
What are Lucy's unique labels to describe the three stereotypes or parenting styles?
Video A Teen’s Perspective
Click the link below!
https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxMjka7MOJo0t_ql9HudUOMx5kCd9hYwFe
Things to Think About
Which parenting styles have you seen that Lucy described?
What style of parenting would you say your parents used with you?
Do you lean towards one particular style or consider yourself a mix?
In your opinion, do you think parents who use the ‘listener’ style have a closer relationship with their teen? Why or why not?
Parenting Styles Defined: “Can I Go?” Video
Social scientists have identified four main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Disengaged. These parenting styles are based on a combination of parental responsiveness and demandingness. (Arnett, 2023, p.196-198)
Do you prefer Lucy’s labels for parenting styles: The Boss (Authoritarian), Loosey Goosey (Permissive), and The Listener (Authoritative)? What do you notice in the chart’s description of Authoritative parenting about communication?
**The disengaged parenting style is designated as ‘uninvolved’ in the following chart.
https://www.lwleducation.com/blog/types-of-parenting-styles-and-effects-on-children
After reviewing the parenting styles chart, think about where your parenting is and where you would like it to go. Our goal today is to show the difference that authoritative parenting can have on teens and the way it can really help maintain trust and security for them.
In the following video, you will see the four parenting styles applied in a mother-daughter role play.
Things to Look For
How parenting styles influence communication
Daughter’s Reaction in each scenario
Mother’s Body Language in each role play.
The Four Parenting StylesThings to Think About
Which outcome did you like best?
In which role play did the Mother’s body language show the best example of listening with the heart?
What are the possible outcomes of using a permissive style in this scenario?
Do you think that the authoritarian style might cause the daughter to rebel and go anyway?
Which style showed the most mutual respect and created an environment for open communication?
Next, we are going to learn more about heart-to-heart or active listening.
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Objective Two: Comparing Active and Passive Listening
Remember the scene in DuoLingo for children where the adult is ‘building stamina for pointless stories’? Does this kind of interaction ever happen between you and your teen? We’re willing to bet that it does!
Watch the clip again and notice how the adult shows she is listening. Name three things she is doing right. How does the child respond?
Building Stamina: Click on the video link below.
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxPSjIzn6M0fM5zERzdZ1IJ5LCN20KGUrl?si=87NbiJPqUuz3UiHd
Though conversation topics may feel ‘pointless’, it means a lot to our child(ren) when we actively listen. We show them we care about them and their interests, strengthening our relationship. When the ‘important stuff’ comes up, we will already have established that we will listen.
Identifying Specific Active Listening Skills
Active listening has many elements, some of which include:
Eye contact
Warm body language
Clarifying questions
Acknowledgement
Gratitude for sharing
Not fixing the problem
As mentioned previously, you might not be into all of the same things your teen is, but by using the elements of active listening, you show them you care for and love them. In times when teens are in a crisis, they will be more likely to come to you because you listened to the “long-winded” stories.
Weinstein et al. (2021) found that “good listening was found to predict greater well-being and self-disclosure intention” (p. 1). This means that by using these six skills consistently, your teen will trust you more and desire to share the things of their heart with you.
Analyze a Conversation: Pass The Butter
In the following video, you will see two types of listening: passive and active. Notice the body language exhibited by the woman; compare how her actions differ when she tries to ‘take things seriously’. Explain why listening is sometimes described as ‘passive’.
Things to Look For
How many of the following active listening skills do you see in the second half of the video?
Is she facing the man and making eye contact?
Is there feeling behind her responses?
Is she using body language that demonstrates she is engaged? (i.e., facial expressions, hand gestures)
Does she interrupt?
Is she distracted?
Is she listening to what the man says without immediately judging it?
Does she ask questions to get more information?
Does she repeat in her own words what she’s heard to ensure she understands what he’s explaining?
The Big Bang Theory Active Listening -
Even though the actions of ‘active’ listening in this video are exaggerated, seeing the difference is helpful to identify actions we can use in communications with our teens (minus hitting the table and shouting about butter!).
Things to Think About
- How many of the active listening skills did you identify?
- How do you feel about your listening skills?
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Listening Challenge
Action Items
Choose one or both of the following activities to complete this week.
Scenario One: Your teen did something you would not be proud of. He/she wants to bring it up to you, but is scared.
Scenario Two: Your teen comes home from school, and she is feeling completely down. Mom is on her laptop working on her last project for the day, and really wants to get it done.
First, review the checklist below. Next, have a conversation with your child, a friend, a brother, etc. After the conversation, use the checklist to analyze your listening. Optionally, you may want to ask your speaking partner to review the checklist and fill it out after a conversation. Finally, reflect on what you did well and what you could improve.
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Conclusion Please, take the time to recognize what you are already doing well; no doubt you will identify many things! We hope the active listening principles in this lesson will be a helpful addition to what you are already doing. In the next lesson, you will learn about emotion coaching, what it is, and why it is beneficial.
~Cheers!
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Additional Resources
Parenting Styles Questionnaire Link
Follow this link for a Parenting Styles Questionnaire. You can fill it in online, no printing necessary!
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References
-Arnett, J. J., & Jensen, L. A. (2023). Adolescence & Emerging Adulthood: A Cultural Approach (7thed.). Pearson Education (US). https://byui.vitalsource.com/books/9780138063054-Duolingo for Talking to Children - SNL. (n.d.). Www.youtube.com. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsEsgp3H7CU
-Hansen, J., & Hansen, J. (2017, January 18). 5 Rules for a Successful Life | Writers In The Storm. Writers in the Storm | a Blog on Writing. https://writersinthestormblog.com/2017/01/10-rules-for-a-successful-writing-life-by-maya-angelou/
-Hussain, M., Iqbal, S., Shirajul, I. K., Asma, R. H., & Zeeshan, M. S. (2023). Examining the long-term effects of authoritative parenting on the development of adolescents' self-esteem and emotional-regulation. Journal of Population and Therapeutics and Clinical Pharmacology, https://doi.org/10.53555/jptcp.v30i18.3221
-Parenting Styles Questionnaire https://www3.cde.ca.gov/pem/module2/story_content/external_files/ParentingStyleQuestionnairev8.pdf, Accessed 5/22/2025)
-Styles, P. (2024, January 25). LWL Education. LWL Education. https://www.lwleducation.com/blog/types-of-parenting-styles-and-effects-on-children
-TEDx Talks. (2020). How to parent a teen from a teen’s perspective | Lucy Androski | TEDxYouth@Okoboji. In YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vdPxLfAsqo
-Weinstein, N., Hill, J., & Law, W. (2023). Balancing listening and action is key to supportive parenting. Current Opinion in Psychology, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101651
-Weinstein, N., Huo, A., & Itzchakov, G. (2021). Parental listening when adolescents self-disclose: A preregistered experimental study. Journal of Experimental Child Psychology, 209(2021). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jecp.2021.105178
-Школа Китайгородской. (2016, October 18). The Big Bang Theory Active Listening - english sub. YouTube. (2023). Lacounty.gov. https://file.lacounty.gov/SDSInter/probation/1106754_ActiveListeningQuiz.pdf
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