Welcome to lesson two of ‘How To Connect With Teens In a Disconnected World’! Last week, we learned about active listening and role-played skills such as giving eye contact, putting electronics away, acknowledging feelings, and having positive body language. How did the role-play activity go for you and your teen(s)? Did you take the opportunity to use the Active Listening Checklist? Did you notice an improvement in emotional closeness last week? We would love to hear how it went for you!
In this week’s lesson, you will:
Learn what emotion coaching is and its benefits
Learn the steps to emotion-coach your teen
Practice using these steps and try it at home
Introduction
We all have to deal with feelings, our own and those of the people around us. The following video takes a comical look at the power of emotions.
Video How Are You Feeling - Studio C
What purpose do emotions serve? Do you think our emotions control us? Do you wish you had a ‘Board of Feelings’ for your family? While we cannot control the feelings of others, we can learn to control our own and teach our teens to do the same using emotion coaching. According to a study on emotion coaching (Lobo et al., 2021c), “supportive reactions to youth’s emotions may serve to buffer the harmful impact of family stress on youth.” Who doesn’t want less stress in their home?!? This skill will build a connection with our teens and help us be compassionate communicators. So, let’s dive right in and talk about what emotion coaching is.
Objective One: Learn What Emotion Coaching Is
and its Benefits
What Is Emotion Coaching?
Have you or your child been on a competitive sports team? My son loves to play sports and recently decided to play competitively. I was concerned he would get a yelling coach, the overly critical kind who puts winning above teaching skills and having fun. Maybe you’re familiar with the type of coach I’m describing?
Take a minute and make a mental list of the qualities of a great coach; what kind of actions and attitudes do they show when the team is struggling? Great coaches call a timeout, bring the team in to assess what’s going on, strategize a plan, praise the team for their efforts, and offer encouragement. Players leave that huddle motivated. Being an emotion coach is similar in many ways.
John Wooden, a legendary coach, demonstrated how to use emotions to help a team. A former player explains, “He clearly understood his actions as a leader, would set boundaries of acceptable behavior for the team…he strategically controlled his feelings to produce what he felt was an ideal, a model for which his team could strive” (Magrum & McCullick, 2019). Just like Coach Wooden, caregivers are leaders for their ‘family teams’. They model acceptable behaviors.
Thankfully, learning emotion coaching skills and strategies will help us be good examples! Applying these can increase children’s understanding of emotion in themselves and others. This includes behaviors that validate a child’s emotional experience, communicate support and acceptance, and demonstrate care and kindness through verbal and non-verbal behaviors, for example, a hug or supportive smile(Shipman et al., 2025). Children need to be taught that their emotions are natural, acceptable, and give valuable information (Shipman et al., 2025).
As a parent, you have experience with emotion coaching, even if you are unaware of it. Remember when your teen was an infant? You learned to decipher which cry meant, 'I'm hungry!’ and which signaled ‘I want to be held!’. Those emotions they exhibited were giving you information. You interpreted it and took care of the need, which validated their feelings and provided an opportunity to show warmth and kindness, strengthening your bond with them. Your infant, now a teen, learned early on that when they were hungry, uncomfortable, scared, bored, etc., crying would signal a response from you that helped them get what they needed. Emotions serve the purpose of giving information throughout our lives, and learning to recognize and deal with them has positive benefits that we all want (Shipman et al., 2025).
What Are the Benefits?
According to Shipman (2025), adults who are aware of and accept their emotions can better regulate them healthily. They can experience the following benefits:
Less anxiety & Depression
Fewer health challenges
Lower levels of stress
Empathy
Compassion for self and others
Children of emotion-regulating adults experience:
Emotional security
Secure attachment
Resilience
A buffer from many negative outcomes
Mental, behavioral, and physical health
Cognitive, academic, and occupational success
(Shipman et al., 2025).
“Emotion…coaching leads to greater help-seeking from parents when (teens are) faced with difficult life events (Shipman et al., 2025).” Using skills and strategies to deal with emotions improves parenting, connectedness with our child, and communication skills. As parents, if we want to be great coaches, we need to ‘know the game’. The following information will give you the tools to be successful.
Objective Two: Steps of Effective Emotion Coaching
A study of an emotion coaching program, Tune In To Teens, gives us additional insight into the benefits of this type of coaching, “Parents can be constantly challenged by the changes occurring in the developing adolescent, their behavior and emotion expression can often elicit defensive or hostile responses” (Havighurst et al., 2015). Does this ever happen in your home? So what can be done? Havighurst et al. (2015) suggest that parents may be required to alter their parenting to respond to the changing needs of their adolescent. Avoiding automatic reactions of anger to defensive or hostile responses can prevent the escalation of emotions and allow your teen to remain in a connected relationship with you (Havighurst et al., 2015). Imagine the difference it would make in the peace in our home if we could shift from a perspective of being in opposition with our teens to one of ‘walking alongside’ them (Havighurst et al., 2015)? This is what understanding the often emotionally driven reasons for our teens' behavior can do (Havighurst et al., 2015).
Dr. John Gottman is a renowned psychologist in the United States. He is known for coining the term “emotion coaching” (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). Many of his studies have been longitudinal, meaning they have been completed over a long period. As a result of his careful study and observations of over 20 years, he identified five steps parents can take to help their children effectively handle their feelings (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997).
Step 1: Be aware of the child’s emotions
Step 2: Recognize Emotion as an Opportunity for Closeness and Teaching
Step 3: Listen Empathically and Validate the Child’s Feelings
Step 4: Help the Child Identify and Name Emotions
Step 5: Set Limits while Helping the Child Learn to Solve Problems
When followed, these five steps can help teens receive all the benefits mentioned in the bulleted list above, as you will note in the following video.
Things to Look For
Look at what emotion coaching a teen could look like.
How does the parent use these emotion coaching skills with their teen?
Video Coaching Teens to Recognize and Manage Emotions
Things to Think About
Did you recognize that the parent was more curious than judgmental?
How can you adapt this for your teens?
What did the mom do to assure her child that she was actively listening?
In this video, each of the four steps was used, including checking in to be sure mom was calm and able to handle the situation. The fifth step of problem solving was offered but not used in this scenario. In different situations, limits can be set when both the teen and the parent are calmer. Problem solving can also happen after the fact, ensuring that it is not a power struggle, but a moment to calmly set a boundary. We will look at setting limits in more detail in Lesson Three. Ponder what emotion coaching can look like for you and your teen based on their unique temperament and personality. When our children feel validated, they can come to terms with their feelings, process and resolve emotions, and build resiliency (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). Look at an example of this from a movie you might be familiar with.
Things to Look For
Notice what different tactics are used by various people around someone sad.
Think about what you might have done as a natural response
Video Inside Out: Sadness comforts Bing Bong
Things to Think About
What did you think of the video?
Did you notice how Sadness validated and emotion-coached Bing Bong?
How did emotion coaching help Bing Bong feel the emotion and resolve it?
This example can illustrate how to help your teen in a similar way. For the next objective, we will analyze how to emotion coach by comparing and contrasting some parenting responses and thinking about how to improve them through utilizing the emotion coaching steps.
Objective Three: Coaching Practice
What Would You Do?
In this activity, you will see three role plays. The first video, Dog Bite, shows a parent emotion-coaching a child who has had a scary experience. The second, Charlie’s Dead (sounds ominous, right?), is an opportunity to think about what could have been done better. The last video, I Hate My Teacher, is your chance to put your emotion-coaching knowledge to work! Dr. Gottman’s (1997) emotion coaching steps will be included below as a reference.
Step 1: Be aware of the child’s emotions
Step 2: Recognize Emotion as an Opportunity for Closeness and Teaching
Step 3: Listen Empathically and Validate the Child’s Feelings
Step 4: Help the Child Identify and Name Emotions
Step 5: Set Limits while Helping the Child Learn to Solve Problems
1. Watch Dog Bite
Things to Look For
What emotion coaching steps did ‘Mom’ use?
What were the mother’s emotions? Did this help her be an effective emotion coach in this situation?
How would you feel if you were the child in this scenario?
Video Dog Bite-Click on the Link Below
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxXLlG3HEp5Oz7hlNAGVadI5xpPoC4ZHGr?si=X52GsF2i2hd565EB
Things to Think About
Identify and write down 3 to 4 emotion coaching or active listening strategies you saw.
In what ways did ‘Mom’ build her relationship with her daughter through this interaction?
Now that we have seen how emotion coaching can be effective, let’s compare this to a clip of a parent who completely misses the opportunity to fortify her relationship with her teen.
2. Watch Charlie’s Dead
Things to Look For
Is this a good time for emotion coaching?
Did ‘Mom’ pick up on nonverbal cues her daughter was giving?
How would you feel if you were the child in this scenario?
Do adults communicate with more compassion with each other than they do with their teens?
Video Charlie’s Dead- Click on the Link Below
https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxZfh9QIY9x8uXxbwN7HAoHMTHUR_nuEOg?si=XaO97AgbrK6lAP3g
Things to Think About
Reflect on what an emotion coaching parent would have done differently.
Write down 3 or 4 actions that would have changed the outcome and strengthened the parent-child relationship.
Do you think the child will feel she can go to her mother with challenges in the future?
The first step for this mom could be to look at her daughter and name her feelings, “You must be so bummed/sad/disappointed that your hamster died.” To continue, she could seek connection through a hug and a kiss (if desired by the teen). Then Mom could ask, “How would you like to commemorate Charlie’s life?” The words we speak with gentle awareness make a big difference in the quality of connection we have with our teens. Being kind and sensitive, even with little time and a few sentences, can make a big difference between fostering a connection and pushing our teens away (Gottman & DeClaire, 1997). Now, you can try your hand at coming up with ideas in the next example!
3. Your turn! Watch I Hate My Teacher and do the activities that follow.
Video I Hate My Teacher- Click on the Link Below
https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxcSVSw88ZvIc78QY1ZXjgqfUj6t-W24hv
List four things an emotion coaching parent would do in this situation.
Predict the outcome of this interaction when you use the coaching strategies you listed.
Enact the role play using the strategies you listed.
Is there anything you would add or subtract from your list of strategies?
Dr. Bailey and her associate deserve an award for their performances, maybe your role-play does too! With emotion coaching as a new tool in your metaphorical parenting toolbelt, you are ready to begin practicing and implementing the five steps! The action item from this lesson will help you get started with a fun activity. Allow yourself 20 minutes to complete!
Action Item
The following activity will help you put the lesson material into action.
Identify Feelings Activity
Recognizing and labeling ‘mixed emotions’ increases understanding that primary and secondary emotions exist, for example, underneath anger may be sadness or disappointment (Shipman et al., 2025).
Instructions
1. Grab a pencil, paper, and your teen.
2 . Think of an emotionally charged situation you have experienced lately. For example, your favorite team won the big game, or the puppy chewed up the furniture.
3 . Write the story in as few words as possible, using one ‘feeling’ word from the Feeling Wheel below. For example, “I was mad when my puppy chewed up the furniture.”
4. Now, write the story again and try to use at least four more emotion words. For example, “When I saw the puppy had chewed up the furniture, I was scared. I meant to put him in the kennel for the night, but I’m embarrassed to say I forgot. I am so frustrated; this is all my fault. I’m anxious about how the owners will react when they get home. I hope they’ll understand it was a mistake.”
5. Share your stories.
6. Reflect on the difference. Discuss what you notice. Discussion questions to consider could be:
Do you think identifying more than one feeling gives you more insight into how you felt in the situation you wrote about?
How does labeling emotions in more detail specifically help us work through and make sense of our feelings?
7. Bonus: Have an emotion labeling competition. Write another story. The person who uses the most emotion words from the Feeling Wheel wins. You decide the prize! (Perhaps the winner is excused from doing a chore?)
The feeling wheel is a unique tool for children, teens, and adults alike. Its purpose is to help identify more specific feelings within a person’s heart. Begin with the broad categories in the middle, i.e., sad. Work towards the outer layers of the wheel to narrow down more specific emotions.
ConclusionAs this lesson comes to an end, think of moments where you’ve felt validated by a parent, spouse, or friend, and remember what a tool that can be to connect you to your teen. Emotion coaching will take time to become proficient, so be patient with yourself as you practice. It will be helpful for preparing yourself and your teen for the next lesson, which goes over how to set limits and boundaries.
~Cheers!
Samantha Demars & Colleen Averett
This first resource is an online blog about emotion coaching from therapists and other licensed individuals on Dr. John Gottman’s website. https://www.gottman.com/blog/?e-filter-1a1c7b9-category=parenting-emotion-coaching
This second resource is the full playlist of Dr Becky Bailey’s informational skits. We watched clips of these in the lesson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pHvNMHuLBY&list=PLCFF16C4CB226D32C
References
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). (2023, February 21). Coaching Teens to Recognize and Manage Emotions. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zs6RqUIuEVU
✂️ Frightening Clip Coaching. (n.d.). Www.youtube.com. Retrieved May 31, 2025, from https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxXLlG3HEp5Oz7hlNAGVadI5xpPoC4ZHGr
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (1997). The heart of parenting: How to raise an emotionally intelligent child. Simon & Schuster.
✂️ Hate My Teacher Clip. (n.d.). Www.youtube.com. Retrieved May 31, 2025, from https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxcSVSw88ZvIc78QY1ZXjgqfUj6t-W24hv
Havighurst, S. S., Kehoe, C. E., & Harley, A. E. (2015). Tuning in to teens: Improving parental responses to anger and reducing youth externalizing behavior problems. Journal of Adolescence, 42(0140-1971), 148–158. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2015.04.005
Magrum, E. D., & McCullick, B. A. (2019). The role of emotion in sport coaching: A review of the literature. The Sport Journal, 22.
✂️ My Hamster Died. (n.d.). Www.youtube.com. Retrieved May 31, 2025, from https://www.youtube.com/clip/UgkxZfh9QIY9x8uXxbwN7HAoHMTHUR_nuEOg
Studio C. (2012, November 30). How Are You Feeling - Studio C. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqbv-yLLtBk
Let's Connect®: An emotion-focused parenting program
Shipman, K., Fitzgerald, M. M., & Pauletic, M. T. (2025). Let’s Connect®: An emotion-focused parenting program. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 98, 101771–101771. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2025.101771
Lobo, F. M., Lunkenheimer, E., Lucas‐Thompson, R. G., & Seiter, N. S. (2021c). Parental emotion coaching moderates the effects of family stress on internalizing symptoms in middle childhood and adolescence. Social Development, 30(4). https://doi.org/10.1111/sode.12519
The Feeling Wheel. (n.d.). https://www.uwlax.edu/globalassets/offices-services/counseling/other-media/the-gottman-institute_the-feeling-wheel.pdf
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