Welcome to lesson three of ‘How To Connect With Teens In a Disconnected World’! Last week, we learned what emotion coaching is and how it can benefit our teens. We reviewed Dr. Gottman’s five steps and had you try those steps out! Were you able to try out one step or more? Did you see an improvement in seeking connection with your teen? The last step in emotion coaching is setting limits and problem-solving, which can sometimes be hard. This week’s lesson will address setting rules and boundaries with our teen and why this is important. Let’s get started!
Understand why freedom within limits is needed for teens
Learn what a family council is and how it can help
Learn how to set limits with your teen
Introduction
Have these images popped up on your phone before? They sure have on mine! To prevent hours of scrolling and deep rabbit holes, apps and websites have timers and limits that help keep us productive during the day. Let’s face it, we are all human, and without these reminders, I would spend a lot more time on my favorite social media sites!
In the same vein, setting limits for ourselves and others is not the easiest thing to do, but in the grand scheme of things, it is worth it! Let’s dive into why both limits and freedom are essential for teens, and how we can set those limits in calm and effective ways.
___________________________________________
Objective One: Learn Why Freedom Within Limits is Needed for Teens
Teens all over the world, no matter where they live, experience the difficult transition from childhood to adulthood. Not all of these changes are visible without additional tools to see beyond the apparent. There tend to be stereotypes about teens that are disparaging and negative. Today, we hope to shift that perspective with a video from Dr. Siegel, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine.
What are your general thoughts about teenagers?
What is new information to you?
How is a teen’s brain different from a child’s brain?
Does knowing about brain development change your general thoughts about teenagers?
Were you aware that cranial changes are happening in your teen?
Each teenager’s brain experiences the process of being ‘remodeled’. This can be a challenging time. Each teenager needs experiences that allow autonomy (personal freedom to choose and govern oneself) so they can grow and learn to be independent. However, they are not ready to do that without a caring adult’s guidance and boundaries to keep them safe. Some may question the need for rules, limits, and boundaries. Researchers have found that when parents set limits for their teens with an autonomy-supportive communication style, it introduces a protective factor for their adolescents (Petegem, et al., 2019). Adding to that, Rodríguez-Meirinhos et al. (2020) have found that teens are most likely to express healthy outcomes when their parents utilize high parental monitoring while supporting their teens’ independence. This means that teenagers need both structure and freedom.
While teens are becoming better prepared for adulthood, they are bound to make questionable choices; after all, they are in the ‘under construction’ phase of brain development. In our previous lessons, we have taught about parenting styles and communication tools, and we hope that those will set the foundation that you and your teen need to understand and value each other’s input as you set the boundaries and rules that will serve them best. Parents can support their teens during this brain change by giving them freedom within limits. The following video gives us useful ideas that can help balance both.
Why are limits important?
Do you have solid reasons for your rules?
Have you reasonably negotiated with your teen?
Supporting these principles, Carlson et al. (2010) found that having solid and consistent limits was more likely to be followed than limits that often changed or were not as solid. Like the video mentions, talking with our teens first about boundaries, then applying them consistently, can help them to keep those expectations. With this in mind, let’s learn about a tool that can assist parents in talking about and establishing rules and limits more fundamentally in the home.
Objective Two: Learn What A Family Council Is
And How It Can Help
In a business setting, meetings are held regularly to maintain structure and functionality. Families can benefit from having meetings, too! Sometimes family meetings are formal, but informal meetings are also helpful. Family meetings or councils can be used for many things. For example, asking for input on where to go for a family vacation, calendaring to make sure everyone has transportation, assigning weekly chores, or addressing family rules. The following video shows an ineffective family council where house rules and expectations are given, but without consideration for the girls. Gru, the father figure, has just adopted three girls and is ‘laying down the law,’ which is more of an authoritarian or ‘bossy’ approach. In case people need reminders of what that parenting style is.
What are the house rules?
Are they reasonable?
Did he include the children in making the rules?
How can a teen be involved in making decisions with the family?
How can you use a family council in a way that helps everyone feel heard and respected?
Now that Gru has taught us how not to hold a family council, let’s learn what a good family council looks like. When families counsel together, they can set house rules and expectations preemptively and in an emotionally neutral setting. It can become a time to share a great amount of love (LDS Family Services, 2006).
Family councils are basic meetings where families establish rules, ask questions, and talk together about different topics. These councils have a variety of configurations, and you will find that you can benefit from using each of these depending on what suits the situation best. The first is a whole family council, where every member is there to counsel together about a topic. The second could look like a smaller family council, meaning a varying configuration of parents and children. For example, a one-on-one between a parent and child or a parent talking to two teens because they have been having difficulties getting along (LDS Family Services, 2006). Whichever configuration is used, the following principles can increase effectiveness:
Express love, praise, and appreciation for good things you’ve noticed your child does
When the purpose of the council includes establishing a new rule, discuss the limit, boundary, rule, or expectation you would like to establish (keep it simple and calm)
Explain the ‘why’ of limits
Counsel- encourage and listen to your teens’ input, they might surprise you.
Validate feelings and ideas that others bring up
Practice “I” statements
Express love once again
Let’s talk about “I” statements! These are sentences that are structured without using the word “you.” This helps minimize accusations, conflict, and defensiveness (Gottman, 2005). The format is: I feel ___________ when _____________ because ____________.
Some examples are:
I feel hurt when I am made fun of because it makes me feel like I am not loved.
I feel upset when we don’t eat dinner together because I value our family time and unity.
By using the principles listed above in your family councils, your relationships can be strengthened. Your children may feel supported, learn how to problem solve, and gain respect for each member. Though it may take time to find your ‘groove’, family councils are tools with the potential to transform your family into a team.
Now we will go over how to set limits in a one-on-one council with your teen.
Objective Three: Learn How To Set Limits With Your Teen
Setting limits, boundaries, and expectations can be hard to do when teens crave increasing independence. Dr. Laurence Steinberg (2004) is one of the leading experts on adolescence, and in his book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, he identifies five steps to help parents set clear limits. These include:
“An identification of the specific act that was wrong.
A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.
A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.
A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.
A statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time” (p. 156).
To help solidify these principles for you and your teen, we will provide an example to show what following these steps might look like, including natural and logical consequences. A natural consequence is “whatever would result from a child's action if there were no adult intervention” (Webster-Stratton, 2005, p.111). This can look like a teen losing a friend because they acted unkindly, getting in trouble with the law for doing things they should not, and getting sunburned from not using sunblock.
A logical consequence is “designed by parents as a negative consequence inherently related to the misbehavior” (Webster-Stratton, 2005, p.111). Examples of this are: parents taking a cellphone away for two days since the teen misused it, a teen losing driving privileges for two weeks if they got a speeding ticket, or having the consequence of missing a party on the weekend because they were not home in time for the agreed-upon curfew. Logical consequences are related to the action.
Example Scenario
Your 15-year-old son Jimmy skipped class to go with his friends to the coffee shop. His 16-year-old friend with a limited-use permit drove them there. On the way back to school, they got into a fender bender. The events of the day were reported by police at your door, informing you of the accident. This family held a family council at the beginning of the school year and decided together on goals, one of them being higher education as a priority. One of the specific rules to support this was ‘no skipping school. The parents are upset and shocked by their son’s actions.
You know your teen best, so use the five steps in the way that is right for your family. For this fictional scenario, we will assume that the parents are home after work and are preparing dinner. They decide to eat dinner first to make sure their hunger does not add any unnecessary anger. After they have eaten, they sit down together to talk in the living room. The following is their discussion.
Active Listening
Parent: “Jimmy, the police explained their end, we want to know your side of the story. Please explain the situation to us.”
Jimmy explains.
Step One: Identify The Specific Act That Was Wrong
Parent: “Thank you for being honest with us. We are so glad you were not hurt! You do know that skipping school and riding with someone who does not have a licence is not okay, though.”
Step Two: State A Description Of The Impact Of The Misbehavior
Parent: ‘Skipping class will impact your future, and we agreed on you going on to get further education. Driving around with Cynthia without an adult in the car can lead to serious legal issues and fees, and she can lose her permit for a long time.’
Jimmy: ‘I know that, I just don’t know why I did it.’
Step Three: Suggest One Or More Alternatives To The Undesirable Behavior
Parent: ‘It can be exciting to do something out of the ordinary with friends. If you wanted to do something exciting, you could have called me and asked if I could take you and your friends to get something on the way home, or you could have made plans to spend time together over the weekend to have more time together in a safer way.’
Step Four: State Clearly What The Punishment Is Going To Be
Parent: Because you knowingly chose to disobey family rules and put yourself in a serious situation, you may not go out with the girls for three weeks. We need to be sure that you will make safe choices. We love you so much and don’t want to see you get hurt.’
Jimmy: ‘Ugh! It was just a mistake!”
Step Five: State Your Expectation That Your Child Will Do Better The Next Time
Parent: “I recognize that this was a mistake and understand that you are upset, but the consequence will remain the same because of how serious the situation was today. Next time, we hope you will call either of us if you are feeling unsure, confused, or pressured. We also would like you to resist the urge to give in to choices that can have consequences like this. We love you and want you to stay safe.”
In your household, this discussion may look different depending on the temperaments and personalities of both parent and child. The situations and consequences may look different, but by using the five steps and recognizing what logical and natural consequences are, we can set limits with our teens effectively.
_________________________________________________
This week’s action item is a self-guided activity. You will need something to write on and something to write with. Start by going over a recent event where you had to set a limit with your teen. Think of what you both said and how that situation went.
Afterwards, write down what you could have done in that situation with the five steps from Dr. Steinberg (2004):
“An identification of the specific act that was wrong.
A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.
A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.
A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.
A statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time” (p. 156).
Once you have those written out, consider what values you could establish or reestablish in your home. This could be a one-liner like ‘we are on the same team’ and ‘we tell the truth,’ or it could be a principle like generosity or hard work.
With this in mind, as parents, try out a family council. Bring the family together, express love, praise the good things, share the limit, boundary, rules, or expectation you would like to establish (keep it simple and calm), explain why you came up with the certain limit, counsel, validate, practice “I” statements, and express love yet again.
_________________________________________________
We hope that today’s lesson will assist you in your goal to help your teen safely enjoy added autonomy, and that they can recognize that your efforts to keep them smart and protected are done out of love and foresight. In the next lesson, we will go over the role of humor and how it can be a tool for connection! Can’t wait!
~Cheers!
Samantha Demars & Colleen Averett
Tips for setting up a family council:
How To Set Up An Effective Family Council Without Too Much Complaining
_________________________________________________
References
Carlson, S. A., Fulton, J. E., Lee, S. M., Foley, J. T., Heitzler, C. D., & Huhman, M. (2010). Influence of limit-setting and participation in physical activity on youth screen time. Pediatrics, https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2009-3374
Family Services, LDS. (LDSFS). (2006). Strengthening the family:Instructor’s guide. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
Petegem, S.V., Baudat, S., & Zimmermann, G., (2019). Interdit d'interdire? vers une meilleure compréhension de l'autonomie et des règles au sein des relations parents-adolescents. Canadian Psychology, https://doi.org/10.1037/cap0000167
Queensland Department of Education. (2024, June 16). How to set rules and limits for my teen. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4Czn8CQLIw
Rodríguez-Meirinhos, A., Vansteenkiste, M., Soenens, B., Oliva, A., Brenning, K., & Antolín-Suárez, L. (2020). When is parental monitoring effective? A person-centered analysis of the role of autonomy-supportive and psychologically controlling parenting in referred and non-referred adolescents. Journal of Youth & Adolescence, 49(1).
Siegel, D. (2018). Dan Siegel - “The Adolescent Brain” [YouTube Video]. In YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O1u5OEc5eY
Steinberg, L. (2004) The ten basic principles of good parenting. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Universal Pictures All-Access. (2010, September 8). Despicable Me - Gru Sets Some Ground Rules. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CeOsRggJO4s
Webster-Stratton, C. (2005) The incredible years: A trouble-shooting guide for parents of children aged 2-8 years. Incredible Years.
Comments
Post a Comment